Shark creature features can be both really entertaining and terrifying, especially if you’re a sufferer of Thalassophobia (an intense fear of the open ocean). Despite my general love of beaches and the sea, I will definitely admit that the expansiveness and vast ‘unknown’ of the ocean floors disturbs me. I also have a serious fear of sharks. So, naturally, I try to watch as many shark horrors as I can because I love torturing myself whilst maintaining a safe distance from the action on-screen. Deep Blue Sea (1999) has fast become one of both the worst and best shark films I have seen to date.

Watching a creature feature is one of the most cathartic film experiences in my opinion. No one would be able to remain calm or un-phased if some giant crocodile, shark or snake was hunting them down. So watching actors in a film navigate that exact, inescapable, seemingly impossible situation injects us with adrenaline and then rewards us with relief as the protagonist (inevitably) survives. We get all those happy hormones without having to do any of the actual work. Deep Blue Sea promises you that adrenaline/relief package but also promises you some good ol’ laughs.

If we’re looking at it objectively, it’s a shit movie. The premise is flimsy beyond belief (they are genetically modifying sharks by increasing their brain mass [and hence their intelligence] in order to try reverse the neural degeneration caused by alzheimers… Ok), the acting is severely forced and the sheer number of plot-holes or technical impossibilities throughout (like when the shark manages to break through the glass of the testing facility with a human body on a stretcher… that glass was created to withstand deep ocean pressure and the shark broke it with a meaty human body and next to no proper momentum) are both frustrating and laughable.

But all of these factors merely add a ridiculous (supposedly unintentional?) degree of levity to an otherwise classic shark-attack piece. The humour is quite welcome as it offers temporary respite from the scenes that actually do fill you with dread and suspense (like when Jim Whitlock, so close to salvation, falls to his death from the rescue helicopter). But I understand that not everyone would appreciate the kind of comedy that only appears as a result of a film failing to be what it initially set out to be. Irony isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, after all.

I will say that I appreciate how The Deep Blue Sea chose to manage world-renowned actor, Samuel L. Jackson. They manage him by killing him off. Just like that. You think he’s going to be the sole-survivor, the saviour, the fearless leader of the group. But just as he presents his encouraging speech, he is suddenly chomped up from behind by one of the giant ‘iSharks’. His death is both so unexpected and lacklustre that I had to laugh. There is barely any theatrics associated with his tragic demise – he is merely eaten whole by the shark and the group then moves on to focus on their own survival. You literally don’t hear of him or think of Sammie again. This was such a clever tactic – they reel you in with the face of a well-known celebrity, tease you with just enough dialogue and screen-presence and then, BAM, kill him straight off with no apologies or remorse. They save money (Sammie can’t be cheap), they shock the viewers and they prove to the world that they don’t bow down to any celebrity or Hollywood. When supposed ‘Einstein’ sharks are involved, they play by their own rules.

Despite that impressive turn of events, the rest of the film was pretty mediocre. Clearly a moral tale, encouraging people against the manipulation and enhancement of ‘God’s natural, beautiful living creatures’, it is somewhat patronising to watch since every single concept is completely spelled out for you through stunted acting. Killing off the doctor at the very end of the film was a clear case of the ‘sinner’s punishment’ and I really didn’t feel it necessary. I don’t need to be spoon-fed the moral of a story (watch Get Out for an example of a moral tale done right).

Finally, I’m sick of shark films using straight, white men to fulfil the saviour narrative every time (I’m looking at you, Jason Satham). It’s overdone, predictable and dull. I want a badass woman of colour defeating three shark abominations. I want a 68 year old non-binary person blowing up the predator hunting them down. Call me when those films are made.